Managing Grief During the Holidays

As the holidays swiftly approach, for some, it is the most wonderful time of the year. Planning parties, family gatherings, and looking forward to celebrating with friends and loved ones.

However, for some, it is one of the most difficult times of the year. They are mourning the passing of a loved one(s), and an empty chair or chairs are missing around the table this holiday season.

Allow me to add another group of people.  Those who are dealing with their own personal illness or that of a loved one, as they process the possibility that they may not survive to celebrate the holidays. This is known as anticipatory grief or preparatory grief. It is a normal reaction to the expectation of a loss, involving feelings of grief, distress, and other behavioral or cognitive responses. Noticing a decline in one’s health (your own or a loved one's) can bring about anticipatory grief as you think of not being able to share special moments with loved ones.

If you are experiencing grief or anticipatory grief, start by acknowledging and processing your emotions.   Some of us, especially men, growing up were told not to cry.  Permit yourself to cry, even have an ugly cry, weep, or wail. It is also important to note that you may not have grieved a loved one who passed a couple of years ago or decades ago. Begin the process of allowing yourself to feel the pain of your grief.

In John 11:1-44, we read the story of Lazarus, a friend of Jesus who has died.  In verse 35, “Jesus wept.” Jesus displayed emotional pain and sorrow over his personal loss, knowing that he would raise Lazarus from the dead. Although we all have our own unique way of grieving, shedding tears after a loss is common, and we should not feel the need to apologize for our tears. “Tears are words the heart can’t say.” Anonymous.

Dr. H. Norman Wright, a Christian Counselor who specializes in grief counseling, says this, “We live in a culture that does not teach us in advance about loss and grief. And, at the worst time in our lives, when we are in deep pain, not only do we have to deal with that, but we also have to try to figure out, ‘Am I going crazy, am I normal, what’s going on?'”      

Grief is a journey, and it can be a long journey.   It’s a process that usually takes more time than we are willing to invest. However, healthily going through the process is worth the investment.  Let’s look at four stages of the grieving process.

• Stage 1 – Denial/Shock – The experience does not seem real.  You may feel like a spectator looking on from a distance. “This could not have really happened to me.”

  
  

  It is essential to talk about what you are going through and how you feel.  “I’m not as okay as I pretend to be.” (Anonymous)

  
  

• Stage 2 – Anger – It is normal to become angry when we lose someone or something, or when a significant change alters our lives. Your anger might be directed at several different people – the medical team, bystanders, family, the deceased person, or God.  If you are angry, admit it and identify who you are angry with.

  
  

  Anger can become danger. If anger is consistently active in your life, it robs you of rest and peace.

  
  

Remember – Anger is a natural emotion, but your response to it is your choice.  Ephesians 4:26 tells us to “Be angry, yet do not sin.” In dealing with your anger, it is also crucial that you learn to forgive those you are angry with. Unforgiveness hinders the healing process and suppresses our peace. Forgiveness is a gift from God.  Free yourself and forgive others. “I sat with my anger long enough, until she told me her real name was grief.” (Anonymous)

• Stage 3 – Depression – A mental/emotional disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies. (Taken from: Counseling Insights – Depression) Depression can change the way a person thinks, feels, or behaves.

Here are some symptoms of depression.

• Changes in appetite or weight (eating less or more than usual)

• Changes in sleep patterns (sleeping less or more)

• Restlessness or decreased activity that is noticeable to others

• Crying spells

• Body aches and pain

Look at how David describes his depression. He was honest with himself and honest with God.  Follow his example.

Psalm 69:1-3 Amplified Bible (AMP)

Save me, O God,For the waters have threatened my life [they have come up to my neck].

 I have sunk in deep mire, where there is no foothold;I have come into deep waters, where a flood overwhelms me.I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched;My eyes fail while I wait [with confident expectation] for my God.

“The day your heart stopped is the day my heart broke.” (Anonymous)

• Stage 4 – Acceptance/Recovery – Acceptance does not mean that you will not miss or long for your deceased loved one. It does not mean that you dismiss the pain.  You will, however, be able to talk about them with tears of joy and sorrow.  Your smile and laughter will return.  Life gradually returns to a certain amount of normalcy, or a new normal.

When I’m asked how I’m doing, I say, “pretty good” or “fine.” But the truth is, healing from your death will take me a lifetime. (Anonymous)

You can surrender your loss to the Lord and recognize that you will be able to make it through, with His help.

Philippians 4:13 New Century Version (NCV) 13, ^“I can do all things through Christ, because he gives me strength.”

Pay close attention to this warning from Dr. H. Norman Wright.

“Be aware of the ambushes of grief. When you’re ambushed by grief, the emotions come out of the blue. They just reach up and slap you on the head, and they can be overwhelming. I’ve experienced it. There’s no predictability. You think you can control everything. Not in grief. It just hits.”

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As you navigate through the rough terrain of grief, remember that the Lord, our Good Shepherd, is with you and offers words of comfort.

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‣Ecclesiastes 3:1,4 New International Version (NIV)

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:.. a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance…

‣Isaiah 41:10 New Living Translation (NLT)

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.  Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you.  I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

‣2 Corinthians 1:3-4 New International Version (NIV)

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

‣Psalm 147:3 New International Version (NIV)

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

‣Matthew 11:28 New Living Translation (NLT)

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.

Encouragement Through the Grieving Process

• Pray.

• Be honest with yourself about how you really feel.

• Ask others for help when you need it.  Solicit their prayers.

• Allow tears to flow.  Again, it’s a normal part of the grieving process.                                 “Cry, let that water go.  You were drowning.” (Anonymous)

• Talk about your loved one(s).

• Take care of yourself. Take time to rest and relax.

• Journal your thoughts and feelings. Write a letter to your loved one, expressing your feelings. Include any unfinished business you may have (things you did not get to say before they passed).

• If needed, seek individual counseling or join a support group.                              (www.griefshare.org)

Encouragement for the Holidays

• Deal with your grief; do not run from it.

• Alter some traditions and create new ones.

• Give yourself permission to accept or decline invitations.

• Minimize the seasonal stressors (decorating, shopping).

• Be thankful for the time you had with your loved one(s).

• Remember the things about your loved ones that made you laugh.

  
  

“Give yourself [mourning time]. Face your grief with tears, time, and – one more, face your grief with truth.  (Taken from Max Lucado’s Facing Your Giants)

"No Grieving; No Healing. Know Grieving; Know Healing." Robert Kellemen, Ph.D., Spiritual Friends

Don’t allow anyone to rush your journey by telling you that you should be over the death of your loved one by now, or whatever your loss may be. It is personal. Refrain from allowing someone else to give you an expiration date for your grief and pain. Focus on the Lord as He guides and cares for you through this process. He is a trusted Shepherd who is with you every step of the way, and He promises never to leave or forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).